Ever since I got my diagnosis, I've had moments of disorientation, especially when I first wake up or I emerge from a book or some other absorbing activity and realize yet again that I have mesothelioma. And each time, that realization makes very little sense against the backdrop of the world I thought I was living in. Instead, it feels like I have somehow slipped into another dimension, or a parallel universe, or Alice's insane looking-glass world. For a brief instant at such times my irrational mind thinks that the key is to somehow get back to the world I know and the way things were.
And then I finish waking up, and I realize there is no going back.
It's going to take time to fully adjust. I catch myself uttering phrases like "my cancer" or "my chemo," and it sounds outright bizarre to me. To my knowledge, I am the first person among my blood relatives to get cancer—other than the mildest skin cancers—since my grandfather's prostate cancer in the 1970s. I guess it's high time for a case, statistically speaking, but I could have wished for a different one!
I guess I'm not the only one to experience the disruption like this, as attested by the availability of the pictured Mesothelioma Awareness T-shirt.
For very different reasons, I understand the moments of disorientation... when your current reality sneaks up and slaps you in the face, making you catch your breath with shock. Wishing you strength.
ReplyDeleteI know you understand. Thinking of you, especially at this time of year.
DeleteThis probably sounds weird, but in moment's like this I often find myself deeply wishing we lived in the world of Neal Shusterman's 'Scythe' trilogy.
ReplyDeletePlease forgive the very unnecessary apostrophe...
DeleteForgiven! :-)
DeleteI have had some health scares in the past, and it has made me realize there is a vast chasm between those who carry the constant burden of a frightening diagnosis, and everyone else. I think if those in the latter group could understand what it's like to be in the former, they would live every single day like an incredible gift from God.
ReplyDeleteHave finally overcome my introversion enough to join this blog.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Amalia, thank you for explaining what Gita does. (I'd always thought she worked with canines.). Second, related to what Mark posted, I think of you (Amalia) often and also often think, "I should stop complaining and getting worked up about small things in my life." But so far, I haven't.
Thank you for sharing this blog. God bless you.
Gita did in fact study dogs. That was in grad school. The postdoc involves primates.
ReplyDeleteTen years ago, something happened that changed everything. I think I've finally accepted it as much as I can, but I definitely relate to that "when can I go back there" to when things were better. That feeling hasn't gone away, but I at least think of it less. I think it's much harder and more traumatic when it's your physical health.
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